A thought

[Ellen Pham]

I'm wondering, do you think in order to forgive something, that you have to not be hurt anymore? That the two things are in a reciprocal kind of relationship? Is this a principal of the relationship between forgiveness and healing? I'm talking about a spiritual sense- even when there might be physical damage of some sort, that it doesn't hurt you in a spiritual (emotional, psychological) sense anymore?

If this is true, then forgiveness has lots of (good) ramifications. And I think it can be partial, in degrees, until it is complete. So if this is true, how does one do it? Just by will, by deciding? I keep coming back to the thoughts about love that Paul expressed... love is patient, love is kind ... it keeps no record of wrongs... It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.... And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (It always surprises me that Paul wrote these words, like he was suddenly overcome with inspiration). Anyway, I am not talking about Christian doctrine, more like possible laws of nature, of a sort. Unavoidable laws - if you want this, you gotta do that :D

When I try to think this through by examining my own life, it gets a little like I can't see the trees for the forest. Any hurt I have completely forgiven that I still remember seems so inconsequential (though rationally, I think, well, that had to be kind of big), that maybe it doesn't count. And I'm talking about something different than just not letting it bother me anymore (I was never so good at that anyway)... I'm talking about it doesn't hurt anymore, at any level, in any way... no more damage. If I think about what happened, it is without pain.

One thing I notice- when I have completely forgiven, it has been with another person where the last thing they wanted to do was cause me pain. Then, it is easy to forgive, even big things. And the other person (could probably substitute group, country) being sorry does help facilitate the process. But if I limit myself to those situations... that's a big limitation : ).

Anyway, just thinking. What do other people think?

[Anna Billings]

Thanks for this deeply thoughtful response, Martha.
Anna

[Eemah Martha]

Blessings to all, I realize that this topic is far past but it is one of my most serious issues of life. During the past two years, I learned the critical importance of forgiveness. Forgiveness breathes new life into the one injured and often rehabilitates the one who harmed. It is a critical part of restoring relationships. Most important of all, it heals and helps to make whole the one broken by the harm. In the field of Restorative Practices, an emerging social science, I have read and/or viewed (video testimonies) numerous accounts of persons whose lives declined in meaning until that were able to face their offenders and recieve a genuine apology which evoked a desperately needed forgiveness response...

When interviewed a month later, the forgiver in every case spoke of how their lives have changed because of the restorative encounter. This encounter occured between rape victims and offenders and even parents of a murdered victim and the offender. These are two cases where one would think forgiveness was impossible but until those harmed were able to forgive, their lives were completely dismantled.

I am researching the need for restorative encounters for those whose families were victimized by our nation's permission of racism such what happened with the Indian Boarding Schools where vicious crimes against so many children took place. Today, their children who are now adults suffer relentlessly because of these crimes through what is now called Residential School Syndrome. There is a critical need for our Indigenous brethren to recieve a national apology in order that they may or can forgive and find their way to restoration.

I could go on and on but I will end with one other evidence based research on forgiveness. The medical field found that there was a direct correlation between forgiveness and healing of heart attack victims where physical healing of the heart occurred significantly more with patients who forgave those who harmed them than those who did not forgive.

A beloved friend and author of mine gave a talk as part of his "Unbound" ministry and said... "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hope that it will kill the other person."

Shalom!

[Or-Tal Kiriati]

oh - and

“Every one says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.” C.S. Lewis

...actually there are many more smart ideas about forgiveness here http://www.quotesdaddy.com/tag/forgive/2

[Or-Tal Kiriati]

I love quotes... here are some:
“Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.” Oscar Wilde
and
“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.” Bryant H. McGill

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” Robert Muller

“Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.” William Arthur Ward

and -
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Mahatma Gandhi

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” Paul Boese

[Ian Carmichael]

Love the quote, Skip - didn't know it was Seussian! Thanks.

And, Ellen, there's a great older book by David P Augsberger - Caring Enough to Forgive ... and be Forgiven. So often we do the 'being forgiven' side worse than we do the forgiving.
And on the lighter side, Augsberger has written a brief article on the theological significance of chocolate...

[Skip Zilla]

There is a great quote from Dr. Seuss which seems to apply here, Ellen. "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." I was going to save it for presenting with other quotes for starting a new year off well, but couldn't pass up this opportunity to share it in advance.

[Ellen Pham]

Ian, I appreciate your authentic response- this kind of response is what truly "keeps me company" and helps me feel not so vulnerable and alone when exposing my own ponderings. Anna, thank you for your thoughtful comments and links, I'm going to go peruse Luskin's book at the bookstore : ).

[Anna Billings]

Hi Ellen,

Great topic, much to ponder.

A good book on the topic is Forgive For Good by Fred Luskin, Director of The Stanford Forgiveness Project. He maintains that forgiveness benefits the one who was wronged and hurt far more than it benefits the one who did the hurtful act. By not forgiving, he says, we keep the hurt alive (through resentment, blame, grudge, inner tension) and harm our overall health. In contrast, to forgive is to release the hold of the past on our present and to “stop renting valuable space in our minds” to the incident.

Besides describing the benefits of forgiveness, though, he devotes at least half the book to HOW to do this, actual techniques that are thoughtful and well detailed (not just surface think-positive commands that usually don’t work).

He describes the experience of forgiveness as one of peacefulness. And there is also the vitality that comes from reclaiming our own aliveness when our present is no longer held hostage by resentments tied to the past

[Ian Carmichael]

Heavy, and vital topic, Ellen - in life as we live it, and education as we engage with others in life as well.

"Forgive and forget"; the saying goes. Fact is, we don't forget, so we must forgive. Otherwise we blight our own lives, and do so with the lives of others as well.

For me - and I'll be brief, forgiveness is an act of will - and it is my choice to set the other (and so myself) free from the damage of their actions. It's an act of will just as (agape) love is.

And neither are easy acts of will. I need help to love, and I need help to forgive. Part of that help comes from example, part of that help comes from experience, and part of that help comes from the Holy Spirit. When I see how others have forgiven, how they have loved, it helps me do so as well. When I have been forgiven, when I have been loved; that helps me do the same - to pay it forward.

And in school as in life - there are students who challenge me to fail them through denying them love, and denying them forgiveness. If I succumb to their challenge, I will also deny them education - in my zone at least.

And I won't say much about Christian doctrine, but forgiveness is central to Christian practice: the gospel end of this is the power of God released in us to forgive, as he transforms our character to be like Jesus. I need his help and power to accomplish what I know I should do. (In Isaiah the prophet tells us about how different God's ways and thoughts are from ours - the theologians waffle on then about all the omni's; omniscience, omnipotence and omnipresence. Isaiah cuts to the chase and points out God's readiness to fully forgive as the difference.)
And at Christmas, when we have the 'gospel' of Santa growing stronger and stronger - where he measures up the naughty and the nice and weighs out rewards and punishments (He's got a list and he checks it - twice!), it's good to be reminded of the greatest gifts and what they cost.

Thanks Ellen, for drawing my thoughts. An important topic for our life and practice.